I am not a normal parent.
I wish I could live in the bubble I used to live in, where I would grow old with my husband, and watch my 3 sons all grow up and have lives here with us. No, I am not in that bubble anymore. I now know that dream never happened. It was the dream of a very young woman, who did not know any better. Instead, the actual events that young woman would have to endure; the death of her husbands and especially, her child; would have her dive into the deepest part of the universe to find him.
I am told I wrote this script before I arrived here. I have learned a great deal, since the bubble burst. I have learned there is no death and I have learned I must love everyone no matter what. I must love Marianne and be kind to her. I had to throw away this world, this bubble I was in, everything I ever learned in churches and schools and from society at large.
I had to relearn and reset my own perception of everything, and attempt to live in a state of spirit, not body, and newly perceive everything around me as temporary.
I had to find out what was permanent and I learned the only thing permanent is Love, the kind that has no conditions placed on it. I had to embrace compassion, and apply that FIRST to Marianne, to be compassionate with HER, not to judge her or throw regrets at her.
I have come a long way since that innocent girl and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. In the meantime, to my sons who are still in this ‘place’, I am still damaged goods, always will be, and that’s okay. So if you see me frantic, or falling apart, or losing my bearings…just let me be. Don’t judge me or wish for a woman who has her shit together. I am living on fumes sometimes, and if I am not like other parents, just accept that I am not in the bubble anymore , an illusion I once had of certainty.
Realize I still struggle to get through each day. I cannot put on a mask and pretend all the time anymore. I won’t deny myself the right to cry on occasion, or have meltdowns. I am doing the best I can with what is available to me now. As long as I am trying, be kind, and allow me to heal as I go.
Photos: Mary Zabora