Normal Parenting?

I am not a normal parent.  

I wish I could live in the bubble I used to live in, where I would grow old with my husband, and watch my 3 sons all grow up and have lives here with us. No, I am not in that bubble anymore. I now know that dream never happened. It was the dream of a very young woman, who did not know any better. Instead, the actual events that young woman would have to endure; the death of her husbands and especially, her child; would have her dive into the deepest part of the universe to find him.

Rosary
Circle of Life
I am told I wrote this script before I arrived here. I have learned a great deal, since the bubble burst. I have learned there is no death and I have learned I must love everyone no matter what. I must love Marianne and be kind to her. I had to throw away this world, this bubble I was in, everything I ever learned in churches and schools and from society at large.   

Childhood, girlhood
Circle of Life
I had to relearn and reset my own perception of everything, and attempt to live in a state of spirit, not body, and newly perceive everything around me as temporary. 

I had to find out what was permanent and I learned the only thing permanent is Love, the kind that has no conditions placed on it. I had to embrace compassion, and apply that FIRST to Marianne, to be compassionate with HER, not to judge her or throw regrets at her.

Rosary bracelet
Circle of Life
I have come a long way since that innocent girl and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. In the meantime,  to my sons who are still in this ‘place’, I am still damaged goods, always will be, and that’s okay. So if you see me frantic, or falling apart, or losing my bearings…just let me be. Don’t judge me or wish for a woman who has her shit together. I am living on fumes sometimes, and if I am not like other parents, just accept that I am not in the bubble anymore , an illusion I once had of certainty.

 Realize I still struggle to get through each day. I cannot put on a mask and pretend all the time anymore. I won’t deny myself the right to cry on occasion, or have meltdowns. I am doing the best I can with what is available to me now. As long as I am trying, be kind, and allow me to heal as I go. 

Thank you.

Marianne Brown

Photos: Mary Zabora

New Dog Breed

Here’s an exciting announcement from the American Kennel Associated:

“We’ve discovered a new dog breed: Spotty-Bottomed Terrier”!

Dog breed
AKA Daisy
Oh and, #NotMyPresident #fairness #notherpresident @RealDonaldTrump

The long walk

My daughter and I took a walk today. In the city, found a parking spot. Done with a doctor’s appointment, isn’t our next destination close by? Let’s walk! (destination was not close by). We started at 275 West Street.

First we encountered a cool sign (we didn’t go in).

Maryland history
Annapolis street sign
Annapolis Maryland
Awesome sign

Then we encountered a beautiful hummingbird named Ruby!

Annapolis Maryland
Hummingbird Ruby

Then a giant chicken! The first of many.

Maryland
Street Art

Then we saw some absolutely gorgeous murals. I had to wander down this street:

Street lights
Annapolis mural

To see this work of art!

Art Avenue
Annapolis art scene
Annapolis
Mural street art

We walked back to West Street.

Black History Month
Annapolis Mural
Another of those crazy, zany, beautiful, artistic chickens!!!

Zany
Annapolis, Maryland
There’s another one back there!

Wild crazy zany kooky
Giant chickens
Scary Annapolis
Ghost chicken

A pretty doorway, an Annapolis staple. 

And then, the coolest chicken yet!

There’s a loud exhaust fan blowing above this one, I wish you could hear it!

Annapolis
Baroak Chicken

We finished our second errand and turned back toward the 🚗. Whew, it’s hot! We got some water. Then a giant easel popped up!

Then another pretty mural @LemonGrass!

Annapolis
Mural @lemongrass

Another photo-op @Metropolitan!

Then almost back to our 🚗!

FinArt
FinArt
Wait! ✋ One more chicken.

Annapolis chicken
Metropolitan chicken

no fault of her own

So one day a baby is born, no fault of her own. Her parents are poor and can’t afford enough food, so the child becomes sick. But they have no health insurance, so she becomes sicker. The air has grown smoggy, the masks don’t help. Her innate abilities, physical and intellectual, begin to shrink.

So a toddler grows to be a little boy. His parents abuse drugs, so they can’t properly care for him. Nobody cares. There are no pre-school programs available, not for poor boys. He falls through the cracks until 1st grade, when he’s already six. 


So a child goes to school. There’s not enough food at home and her parents can’t afford school lunch, so she goes hungry. The child can’t concentrate and is labeled “difficult”. Nobody cares, her parents are too busy just surviving and her teachers, ignorant. Public schools are under-funded and failing.

So a little boy starts to grow big. There are no after school programs, so he wanders the streets and gets involved with drugs. There are no drug programs, so he gets addicted. Nobody cares. His life is over.

So a little girl begins to bloom, but she still has a child’s mind. She plays happily until one day, when Evil smells innocence and destroys her. There is no one to protect her, nobody to talk to. She spins out of control.

So one day a boy and girl meet…

This poem is dedicated to all the brave citizens who are standing up for human, animal and environmental rights. Mary Zabora “So this future will never be.”

Don’t judge me, I have a teenager.

My husband realized that our 13 year old daughter has not been using her toothbrush. We then came to the conclusion that she hasn’t been using her dermatologist ordered cream or antibiotic for acne. But she spent half an hour in the bathroom every night. What the hell was she doing in there? My husband deduced that she was playing on her phone for an extra half hour (and peeing). From the high level of sobs she emitted, we realized he was right. When asked why she wasn’t brushing her teeth all we could get out of her was, “I don’t know”.

.

She constantly wears a jacket. It’s got blue stripes and is like a hoodie, but with a zipper up the front. It’s about two sizes too big for her, so hangs on her like a potato sack, down past her butt. She wears it to school, to bed and everything in between. I hate it. It is horrid. No matter how nice she’s dressed, she looks like a slob. But there are the excuses; “It’s still chilly at the bus stop”, “It’s cold in the classsrooms”, and the ever popular, “I need the pockets”.  She refuses to wear anything else. I used to think she might be embarrassed by her breasts or weight, so I let it go. Now I wonder if she’s been hiding things in those pockets.

The horrid jacket.

What happened to that adorable, bright, happy, loving toddler and little girl. The one who happily brushed her teeth. She had the most luxurious, long hair that sparkled in the sunshine. Now she wants it cut shorter and it’s greasy and hangs in her face all the time. She washes it every other night and a few hours later, it’s greasy again. I don’t remember being that greasy as a teen. Hey! Don’t judge me.

Looking cute with her brother and “Doggie”

More later.

Cologuard, because I don’t want anything stuck in my butt.

I don’t know about you and to each his own and all that shit, but personally, I avoid things stuck into my rectum at all costs. After I turned 50 though, my doctor said that I should schedule a colonoscopy, which I haven’t done yet, and I’m almost 52. Here’s why-

The risk factors for Colo-rectal cancer:

Factors that may increase your risk of colon cancer include:

Older age. …

African-American race. …

A personal history of colorectal cancer or polyps. …

Inflammatory intestinal conditions. …

Inherited syndromes that increase colon cancer risk. …

Family history of colon cancer. …

Low-fiber, high-fat diet. …

A sedentary lifestyle

Uncomfortable subject alert, so here’s a pretty flower to look at.

I don’t fit any of those, except maybe older age. So though I normally follow my doctor’s orders to a Capital T,  I waited. Because I’d seen a commercial for this crazy thing called Cologuard, though my doctor hadn’t heard of it yet. By the time I got another check up, he and my insurance company were in agreement that Cologuard is my best option to start. With the understanding, of course, that if this shows anything abnormal, the next step will be a colonoscopy.

Anywho, I’d like to take you on a journey and yes, it’s a poop journey, so I’ll try to be as sensitive as possible for the faint of medical stuff.

#1 Get! My doctor ordered the test and it was delivered to my house via UPS.

Box o’ poop test 

Follow  the instructions carefully!!!

Take your finished “sample” to a UPS store or call to schedule a pick-up. This is TIME SENSITIVE, so you must get it to UPS ASAP! Also, DO NOT do it on a Friday (as I did) because the weekend messes the whole thing up and you’ll have to do it again, as I did.


I haven’t gotten the results back yet, but hope this helps me avoid the whole colonoscopy ordeal for now. And remember this, take care of yourself, because nobody else will. 

UPDATE: Later that day!, my doctor’s office called and said everything is negative!!! That’s a good negative. Very relieved.