My friend was writing on Facebook about her son’s condition and said, …”Everything is something until it is nothing.” Those words rang so true to me. It calls to mind the times that Chance was having a bad time with seizures. He is non-verbal, but every hiccup or head rub or cough or sneeze would attract my attention. Is he going to have another seizure? Will he stop breathing this time? Should I rush him to the hospital or call an ambulance?
With his sensory sensitivities I can’t vacuum when he’s home. But I’ve also got to scope out the atmosphere constantly. If it’s at all windy I’ll put his hood on. He hates wind. And those goddamn leaf blowers that I call pollution spreaders, Chance hates the noise and has a fit if they’re too close.
My time when he’s home is not my own, it’s all about him. And when he’s at school I worry and wait for the phone to ring from the nurse.
In her blog, DifferentDream.com, Sheri Dacon says this:
Fear is a big issue, the one that haunts me, the one that lies just below the outer crust of my fragile but mostly happy life. I don’t feel depressed. I am mostly in a good place. But the surface is so thin. I live in a constant state of hypervigilance. The tiniest quake could shatter the whole thing into oblivion.
That so well represents how I feel a lot of the time, except I AM depressed. And hypervigilant with a side of PTSD. Among other things. 😜